Dear Boy // Sassy

Your questions answered by Greg Dulli, Weird Fox who sings for the Afghan Whigs

DO GROUPIES GET WHAT THEY WANT?
Do you know anyone in a band who has actually “hooked up” with a fan? The band must have at least a contract with a record company to be “eligible.” Just Curious in Columbus, GA
Plenty. I suggest if you are truly interested, you should read “I’m With the Band” by Pamela Des Barres. I’m sure this will clear up your curiosity.

WANTS BOY EXCITEMENT
I’m a reasonably attractive, non-annoying, politically active 17-year-old girl who has *never* been asked out on a date. I’ve tried asking boys, but they always say no. Is my grandmother right? Do boys only like girls who are weak and helpless-looking? Will flunking debate get me dates? Am I doomed to be single forever? I promise I don’t have the plague. Jaime

Most 17-year-old guys are intimidated by smart or strong women. Don’t compromise your integrity just to get dates. You’ll find in a couple of years that guys are less insecure. So I’m sure you’ll meet a nice boy who can handle a woman as his intellectual equal and not just his helpless plaything.

HORMONAL SLURS
Why is it that whenever a girl is pissed off or in a crappy mood, any guy around will ask her if she’s “on the rag” or say “Do you have PMS?” When guys are in bad moods, we don’t say “Oh Bob, sperm-retention headache?” Alexis

For some reason, boys like to say naughty things about “that time of the month.” It’s called locker-room humor or toilet jokes. All I know is, the first time I asked my sister if she was “on the rag,” she beat me with her hairbrush, and I have been shy about it ever since. But like it or not, it’s in the vernacular. Remember, a lot of girls say it too. P.S. Sperm-retention headaches are extremely painful and do cause irritability in most boys. So be nice.

CHECK-OUT CRITERIA
I was wondering what a guy thinks when he is checking out a girl. Does he look at her face or her body? Anonymous

I try to figure out if she snores or not, and most guys tend to check out the whole package. However, her eyes, her smile, her laugh, posture and intelligence are high on the list of criteria. Most boys just want to find someone they’re comfortable around. A little mystery doesn’t hurt either.

LOVES KURT
I have a problem that is messing up my whole life. I am in love with Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. I want to meet him so much that I am too depressed to do anything anymore. Everyone is worried, but I won’t tell them why. What should I do? Cobainified in Bellevue, WA

You are having what is commonly known as a crush, and that’s cool. When I was younger, I had a crush on Veronica from the Archie comic strip and she was a cartoon, for chrissake. Just remind yourself that Kurt is a married father and Courtney would probably kick your ass.

UNFAIR GRADES
This guy and I were lab partners in my science class. We had to turn in a lab report. We each typed up the same paper, but our teacher, Mr. Brown, gave him an A and I got a C. Why?! Tired of male sexism

He sounds like a prick. Call him on it; maybe he’s seeing if he can get away with it. Never be afraid to challenge a teacher. Just make sure you have enough ammo.

ATTRACTED TO SHORTY
I am 16 and considered somewhat tall. The problem is that I like a guy who is about six inches shorter than me. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with this. Still, it seems a little ridiculous for us to be a couple, and my friends think so too. I know I shouldn’t go by appearances or what anyone else says, but I can’t help it. Do you think I should avoid a relationship with this guy, or date him and get laughed at? Tall Chick

How lucky you are. Most people would give anything to be a little taller. Start looking at it as an advantage instead of a detriment. Carry yourself with pride and grace, and the only people who’ll be laughing will be short, jealous a–holes. So get on with it!

RELUCTANT BOY MAGNET
I am 13 and my friend likes a lot of guys, but it turns out that all these guys like me, and when she finds out, she gets mad at me and doesn’t talk to me for three weeks. What can I do? Confused in Imperial Beach, CA

Do you feel like you’re deceiving your friend? Are you seeing these boys or going behind her back in any way? If not, you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to worry about. If your friendship is as important to her as it obviously is to you, try reasoning with her and stress that your relationship is stronger than “what guy likes who.” If the talk doesn’t go well, chances are other jealousies or petty rivalries will arise later on.

NASTY SLEAZE
Recently I found out that my boyfriend slept with another girl. After many hours of questions and fighting, I decided to give him a second chance. My parents don’t think I should give him the time of day, and my friends say that I should “cut him off” (from sex and such), but I’m not sure what to do! What do you suggest? Kelli

What were the circumstances leading to his infidelity? These are things that you should address while looking straight into his eyes. If you are satisfied with the conversation, maybe the two of you can work it out. If not, he’ll probably do it again, and you’re better off without him.

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